Projecting.

I went to a family function yesterday and it is always interesting to note how the dynamics of families change through the years. I have crossed that divide now where I am part of the ‘older’ generation which I still find strange somehow...

I don’t do the whole holiday family events much anymore... actually I don’t do them at all really.

There is a bunch of reasons for that, there was a time when every Easter, Thanksgiving or Christmas I would make the same trek to my Uncle’s house where everyone would get together around a big table for a lavish meal.

I started out at the kid’s table but ultimately graduated to the adult table over the course of years.

Those meals are the source of some fond memories, I can’t say I don’t miss them because I do but many of the people who made those days so special are gone now. My Uncle really was something of a giant in my life... he was just so cool. The funny thing is that he wasn’t cool in any of the ways you might apply the word ‘cool’ to but the truth of it is that he was.

It’s not until later life that I got a chance to better understand him as a man and when that did happen I wound up having even more respect for him. He was the foundation of our family but never in any kid of tyrannical way. I don’t even know if he knew just how important he was to everyone or how his role would never truly be filled once he was gone.

The truth is that once he did pass, the wheels came off of things...

My Aunt was always nice to me but it was my Uncle I connected with. She though too was an amazing woman. The funny thing was as strong and as much of a trailblazer as she was, once my Uncle was gone that started a long and painful decline as she feel more and more under the sway of Alzheimer’s which is truly an evil disease.

Several other family members (all male it seems) also shuffled off over the next decade and what was left behind wasn’t pretty. My cousins fought amongst themselves which was unfortunate. It’s something that wouldn’t have happened if my Uncle had been around and even today there are deep divisions among the siblings that would have been unimaginable years past.

I see or have contact with all my cousins still but one of my cousin’s kids and I don’t get along at all and I can’t say I feel as if I’m missing out not seeing her and her brood because over time I felt an increasing distaste for them. The other kids are great and I get along with them but I think that has to do more with them being a little less conventional than most more than anything else.

When a holiday comes around nowadays, I generally lay low. I worked as a freelancer for so many years what was funny is that holidays as it were didn’t have as much impact as they did to people who endure the normal workaday world because my life wasn’t structured that way. Now, that I am on a standard schedule like everyone else, these days are more important because they are a welcome break from work.

If I miss anything it’s probably leftovers more than anything else because it saved me cooking.

The people I miss aren’t coming back and things won’t be the same ever again. I keep talking about making new traditions but it’s not something that can be done alone and I have lacked the will or urgency to change the dynamic.

The sad thing is that in a way it just makes my life that much smaller.